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Changing the Victim Mindset - Becoming a Creator

Being stuck in the Drama Triangle is centered around someone being in a victim mindset. We all

fall into this trap from one time to another. This is what it sounds like:

  • This isn't fair.

  • Things would be better if it wasn't for so and so.

  • If only they would do this, the problem shouldn't exist.

  • This isn't my fault.

  • This is so and so's fault.

  • That's not my job.

  • If so and so would do this, I wouldn't act like this.

  • There's nothing I can do.

  • I shouldn't have to.

  • This is what I was taught to do so it isn't my fault.

  • So and so told me and I didn't want to, but did as I was told, even though I knew it was wrong.

The victim mindset is about feeling pain, pressure and discomfort, and blaming that feeling on something or someone else. Remember the roles are interconnected, so the root of all of the pain is the persecutor. The persecutor is who the victim blames for their current situation. In relationships, that is usually another person. In life, it may be a set of circumstances beyond your control. Either way, when one is in the victim mindset, it is easy to avoid any type of accountability, and instead, put the fault on the persecutor, The victim can't or won't take any action to improve the situation because they don't think they have any control. Instead, they spend time feeling bad, venting about the situation, or sitting in blame. Either way, the problem doesn't change.

"Complaining is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but you don't really go anywhere." - Some cool guy named Sal

If you find yourself in the victim mindset, you have a choice. Instead of just focusing on the problem and who/what to blame for the problem, you can acknowledge what is, and think of a solution. This is not to minimize the pain of your reality, but if you can't control what is happening, you can control how you respond to it.

In moving from victim to creator, the goal is to get clear on the outcome that you want, and take steps in that direction, focusing on where you have control and choice.

Here are some examples:

Victim: "My boss asks so much of me. There is only so much I can do in one day! It isn't fair that I have to do so much. It's not my fault they are short-staffed. Maybe if they managed people better, we wouldn't be in this position."

Creator: "My boss asks so much of me. There is only so much I can do in one day! I am going to look at my workload and see how I can prioritize my work and manage my time so I can be most productive. If my boss pressures me to do more than what is possible, I will have an honest conversation about what is reasonable and give it my best effort. If I decide that is too hard, I will start to look for another job that is more in line with my preferred work style."

This may not be possible for everyone. Feeling empowered to choose may have been beaten out of you. Staying a victim can be a choice and it may be more comfortable. Talking about people can feel easier than talking to them. It takes effort, energy, and time to reclaim your power in life - but a persecutor can't persecute without a victim.

A creator doesn't create conflict, but what a creator does, is break the cycle and instead chooses to step into their own power. It is easy to talk about what you don't want. Living as a creator means you live your best life because you do what you can with what you have and strive to remove the things that get in the way. You don't fight reality; you instead acknowledge it exists and think of the next best thing you can do to make that reality better.

Here are some self-reflection questions you can use when you are feeling like a victim (or dealing with one - just flip the question from "I" to "you"). These can help you move to a creator mindset.

  • What do I know for sure about this situation? What am I assuming to be true?

  • What else might be true?

  • What is beyond my control?

  • What can I control?

  • What is the next step I can take that will make this better?

  • What am I contributing to the dynamic?

  • If I can't control the situation at hand, what can I do?

  • What can I do with what I have?

  • If I can't change the situation, what can I do to live with it? If I can't live with it, what can I do to leave it?

  • If I was creating the life I wanted, what would that look like? What do I need to lean into? What do I need to let go?

  • How are my current actions changing the situation in a meaningful way?

  • Am I giving feedback, or sharing an opinion? What would be most helpful?

  • If I am giving the gift, and it isn't be received well, can I change the packaging?

If you are struggling to become a creator or struggling dealing with a victim in your life or organization, schedule a free consultation to see if coaching can support you in that process.



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